Rude Awakenings
by valyria
Summary: En-route to their next mission, the crew of the Enterprise encounter a strange space anomaly. Naturally they investigate. (complete crackfic. humour. Spock/Uhura, Kirk/Spock, Kirk/Janice Rand, Sulu/Chekov - ZERO ANGST!)


AN: This ridiculous story was indirectly inspired by Lamb's ear, (Not that you should blame her for its existence.), and listening to terrible(ly awesome) 80's pop music. It features... an orgy, but it's more humour than smut. For readers of my 'real' stories, fear not this was just written for lols, I'm not abandoning angst for crack.

Warning: Naughty words, references to sex, but in humour rather than 'sexy detail'

* * *

"_Captains log, stardate 2258.3. We have encountered a strange anomaly in sector 87D enroute to the Garon System in the Beta Quadrant. Science Officer Spock has been unable to identify phenomenon, but informs me that our sensors detect life form readings quite unlike any previously recorded by Federation scientists. In keeping with our mandate of exploration and discovery, I have instructed Lieutenant Sulu to bring us closer to the anomaly."_

* * *

Jim stared out of the forward viewscreen in interest. The weird pink and purple nebulous looking cloud (a description Spock informed him was highly inaccurate) was the most interesting thing they'd encountered in weeks. Their last three missions had all gone so smoothly they'd been boring. A strange cloud in space was just what they needed to liven things up.

'Anything Mr Spock?' he asked.

'Our sensor readings continue to fluctuate Captain, despite our increased proximity.' the Vulcan replied.

'Any idea what it is?' Jim asked.

'Impossible to speculate at this juncture Captain.' he said. 'There are life readings, so organisms of some sort are present within the anomaly, but beyond informing you that they appear quite dissimilar to any life form I am familiar with, I can offer no further information.'

Jim spun his chair to face Uhura at the communications console. 'Lieutenant. Any response to our hails?'

She turned her chair so she could face him and Jim tried valiantly not to look at the smooth brown thighs peeking out from her short uniform. 'Negative Captain. No response on subspace or radio frequencies.'

Coming to a decision, Jim addressed his helmsman. 'Mr Sulu!'

'Yes sir?'

'Bring us in closer. Half impulse.'

'Aye sir. Half impulse.'

As the cloud grew in the viewscreen Jim stared avidly at it trying to see something, anything within its cloudy depths. He saw a vague shape that reminded him of dog and then the perspective changed and one of the swirls suddenly looked an awful lot like the backside of a particularly curvaceous woman… Jim glanced at Uhura.

'Captain.'

Spock's cool voice snapped him out of his daydreaming about Uhura's butt. He cleared his throat, as always slightly suspicious that the Vulcan would somehow _know ._'Yes Mr Spock?'

'The number of life form readings is changing, they appear to be increasing at a significant magnitude.'

'Sulu, full stop.' Jim ordered.

'Aye sir.'

The Enterprise came to halt, the cloud filling almost the entire viewscreen.

'How close are we?' he asked Spock.

'278km Captain.' The Vulcan frowned ever so slightly. 'Correction, 262… 250… The anomaly appears to be moving towards us Captain.'

'Sulu maintain distance.' Jim snapped quickly.

Chekov called out over the bridge, his accent thickening in panic. 'Eet iz matching our speed Keptan!' he observed.

'Maximum impulse Captain!' Sulu called.

'Go to warp!' Jim called.

The stars lengthened as the Sulu obeyed the order. The cloud still filled the screen however.

'It is warp capable Captain.' Spock remarked conversationally. Curiously.

Jim shot him a glare. His unflappable curiosity could be damned annoying. 'Yes _thank you,_ I can see that Commander!'

'Warp 4 Captain!' Sulu loudly informed him.

'Maximum warp!' Jim countered.

There was slight hum and vibration as the Enterprise topped out at Warp 8.

'Eet iz still accelerating Keptan!' Chekov exclaimed.

'Evasive manoeuvres!' Jim yelled.

Sulu and Chekov began frantically working over their controls, the ship spinning and twisting as it attempted to avoid the cloud.

'It appears to be highly manoeuvrable Captain.' Spock observed. 'I anticipate a collision to be avoidable. The mass is gaseous however, it may not damage our vessel.'

Jim didn't want to take that chance. 'Shields up!' he told Checkov.

'Aye Keptan!'

'Lieutenant sound the alert.' Jim informed Uhura even as he slapped the intercom in the arm of his chair. 'All hands - this is the Captain, brace for impact.'

'Captain!' Uhura called, one hand held to her earpiece. 'I'm receiving a transmission!'

'And?' Jim prompted.

'It's difficult to make out sir. The universal translator has rendered it in standard as 'We require… aid?'

Jim frowned. 'And it's coming from the cloud?'

'Yes sir.' she replied.

'Send back a standard hail and offer of assistance.' he said.

Uhura frowned. 'There's more Captain. They wish to come aboard.'

Jim frowned right back at her. He had no idea what sort of aliens these weird cloud people were. Even Spock was at a loss. The atmosphere on the Enterprise might kill them, or they might kill his crew. 'Request clarification as to their requirements for sustaining life.'

Uhura was silent as her fingers flew over her console. 'They don't respond Captain, they simply say 'Permission.'' she meet Jim's eyes with a slight frown. 'I believe they are requesting permission to board sir.'

Certainly sounded like it.

'Ask them if their presence will in any way harm the crew or ship.' he instructed.

Spock had crossed to stand behind Uhura and was peering down at her console in curiosity, although he stood a step back as to not interfere with her.

'No harm to the carbon life forms.' Uhura said, clearly quoting the alien's response.

Jim stared out the viewscreen. It was obvious they were outmatched. The weird cloud could travel at speeds beyond warp 8. It could force a collision whenever it wanted. Who knew _what _that would do to the ship? The crew? Diplomacy was probably the best option. 'Very well, send them the transporter room co-ordinates and invite them aboard Lieutenant.'

'Yes sir.'

Again she fell silent. Jim stood in preparation to head to the transporter room to greet them.

Uhura frowned again. 'Sir they say they do not –'

She was cut off by the loud scream coming from Yeoman Rand, who was standing next to Jim's chair, the Alpha Shift reports in one hand, the other pointing out the viewscreen. Jim spun, the cloud was approaching rapidly, headed straight for the ship. Before he had a chance to say anything, issue any sort of order, they were within it. A hot nervous thrill ran through his entire body and he abruptly found himself lying on the deck, a strange purple hue colouring the bridge around him.

The rest of the bridge crew were also picking themselves up from various positions on the deck and against consoles. 'Is anyone injured?' Jim asked, bracing himself on his chair as he got to his feet.

There was a chorus of no's.

Jim offered Yeoman Rand a hand, she was frowning and rubbing her head on the deck beside him. He pulled her to her feet, meeting her eyes briefly to see if she was okay. She nodded and Jim half began to release his grip on her arm, but she had… really beautiful eyes. So blue. She was staring up at him with her lips slightly parted and Jim had a sudden urge to kiss her. He shook his head and let her go, turning to scan the rest of the bridge. No one appeared harmed, although everyone looked a little disorientated. Jim frowned. The purple glow was distracting.

Jim resumed his seat. 'All departments report.' he ordered over the intercom.

While he waited he turned towards the science console. 'Mr Spock, what is this - '

Jim frowned. Spock's seat was vacant. He turned and located his First Officer at the Communications Console. His eyebrow rose. Spock had his arms around Lieutenant Uhura and they were talking softly to each other.

'Mr Spock.' Jim called. Neither of them reacted. 'Commander Spock!' Still nothing. Jim knew all about their little… 'association', he'd seen Uhura's emotional farewell to the Vulcan before they'd beamed aboard the Narada after all, but they were usually soooo discreet. Maybe Spock had hit his head or something?

'Lieutenant Uhura.' he tried.

She appeared just as distracted. Instead of replying to Jim she lifted a hand and started sliding it through Spock's hair, thoroughly mussing up that awful haircut of his.

'Spock! Uhura!' Jim called, letting irritation seep into his voice. They were in the middle of the damn bridge!

His patience at an end, Jim stood up and crossed the bridge to forcibly pull the two of them apart. He grabbed Spock's arm and tugged. 'Spock!'

His First Officer, a man he considered a close friend, turned towards him and snarled. Actually made a deep alien growling noise and bared his (pointy!) teeth at him. Jim balked and started to step back, only to find himself thrown several meters backwards to slide across the deck, his head ringing. Spock had… hit him! Jim stared up at him in shock, one hand pressed to his stinging face, but Spock's was ignoring him completely and rubbing his face against Uhura instead.

Yeoman Rand rushed to his side and helped him to his feet. Jim palmed the intercom again. 'Get a security team to the bridge immediately!' Without waiting for a reply he switched the frequency. 'Bones get up here, Spock's acting weird.'

There was no response. Jim frowned, 'Computer, access Medical Bay communicator visual fed.'

A view of the medbay appeared in an overlay in one corner of the forward viewscreen. Jim choked. Bones and Nurse Chapel were making out like teenagers on a biobed. 'BONES!' Jim called. Neither he or Chapel showed any sign they'd heard. After about 20 awkward seconds, Jim cut the feed.

There was a coughing noise to his left. He turned to find the alpha shift communications assistant blushing furiously. 'What is it Ensign?' he asked.

The Ensign indicated off over Jim's shoulder.

Oh great.

The way Spock and Uhura were kissing made Bones and Chapel seem pretty well behaved. Uhura seemed to be trying to climb Spock and had already wrapped one slender thigh around him, making her uniform ride up dangerously (not that Jim minded too much). Spock for his part was conducting a thorough and very 'hands on' examination of Uhura's ass.

'Oh you have got to be kidding me!' Jim exclaimed.

'SPOCK! UHURA! CUT IT OUT GODDAMMIT!' He wasn't expecting his yelling to have any affect, but that didn't stop him sighing softly when he was ignored. He closed his eyes and massaged his temples for a moment, okay, so clearly the purple cloud aliens had… affected his crew. Some of his crew. He needed to quarantine those affected and work out a cure. There was a loud crashing noise. Jim's eyes popped open and he looked towards it.

Uhura's chair had been knocked over. .. because Spock had apparently shoved her onto the communications console so he could… Jim's eyes widened. Holy shit. Uhura's panties were tangled around one of her dangling boots and Spock had one hand under her skirt, his arm moving rhythmically. Uhura broke from kissing him and let out a loud moan. Jim's brain tried to wrap his mind around what he was seeing.

'Spocks's fingering Uhura!' he proclaimed in disbelief. 'On my bridge!'

He spun around to gauge the reactions of the rest of his crew. He was unprepared for what greeted him. For starters, Sulu and Chekov were on the deck trying to lick each other's faces off, two ensigns were pressed up against a tactical display with hands under each other's uniforms and another ensign, one in security red, was rubbing his pants and watching them intently .

'What the fuck is going on!?' Jim yelled and turned to face the only other sane person on the bridge, Yeoman Rand.

Except she was leaning against his chair with one hand holding her uniform up and the other _down her panties_ staring at Spock and Uhura like she'd never seen anything so hot in her life. (Jim had to admit that wasn't too implausible. Seeing a gorgeous woman like Uhura moaning like a whore on a Vulcan's fingers was pretty… great.)

With great effort he pulled his gaze away from Rand's lacy white knickers and the little blonde curls he could see since she'd pulled the material to the side and was -

'Rand!' he exclaimed ignoring the enthusiastic twitch of his cock.

She broke off from watching Spock and Uhura and met his eyes, her hand still moving inside her panties. _'Captain!' _she gasped.

Jim swallowed. His cock gave a more persistent throb.

Rand leaned forward and moaned in his ear before giving him a sloppy kiss. Jim was left dazed, confused and very turned on. He tried to gather his wits, but then she was kneeling in front of him and undoing his pants. He was already half-hard just from what was going on around him, (not that he approved, but he was only human), having the gorgeous Janice Rand on her knees in front of his Captain's chair had him hard as a steel bar in a matter of seconds. She looked up at him and moaned loudly as she wrapped her warm lips around him and… it all… went a bit hazy after that.

He vividly recalled saying 'This is awesome!' in one of his more coherent moments, commenting on the fact that Janice Rand, sexiest yeoman aboard, was bouncing up and down on his dick while he sat in the Captain's chair. Like all red-blooded men, he'd had the occasional fantasy along quite similar lines.

He also remembered… Uhura and Rand making out? Wait. No… He frowned, something tickling at his consciousness. Ugh, his head hurt. He moaned pitifully and shifted. There was something heavy and wet on his thigh, and he had an arm wrapped around the vibrating space heater that was pressed against his right side. His back felt bruised from his uncomfortable position on the… deck?

James Tiberius Kirk's brain was suddenly back in action and he was firing all with all phasers once more.

He sat up.

He lay immediately back down.

He focused on restraining the urge to projectile vomit.

He breathed very softly, very carefully for a long minute.

His head spun worse than that time he'd found a bar that sold contraband (for good reason it turned out) Romulan ale and had ordered it by the pint.

'Oh god.' he mumbled. 'I'm dying.'

More disturbing than his terrifying hang over was the fact that his ass hurt. A lot. He shifted uncomfortably. _Why _did his arse hurt? What the hell had happened?

The vibrating space heater huffed in annoyance and revealed itself to, in fact, be a person. A male person judging from the deep tone of the noise. Kirk didn't open his eyes. He wasn't ready for the full truth of reality just yet.

The weight on his thigh shifted and he felt a warm blast of breath over his apparently very tender cock. Oh god. What had he been doing?! And with who…

He cracked open his eyes and observed the ceiling panels of the Enterprise's bridge. Fuck. He was naked and hung over on the bridge!? He was not only going to be the youngest Starfleet officer promoted to Captain, he was going to the youngest Starfleet officer demoted from Captain. He took a long steadying breath then peered down at whoever was using him as pillow. The white gleaming bridge reeled in his vision. Again, he tried not to throw up.

He sighed in relief. Janice Rand was drooling onto his thigh, using his leg as a body pillow. He could handle that. Janice was gorgeous, friendly, lovely. If he'd… he wasn't sure what he'd done, but she was someone he didn't mind having done it with. He could see a dark head and a pale shoulder behind her. Gingerly he raised himself up onto his elbows. Sulu. Snoring softly. Naked.

Ooookay.

That was… unexpected, but he was pressed up against Rand, not him… so that wasn't too bad. Jim braced himself and turned to take in the rest of the prone bodies lying around the bridge.

Chekov's feet were visible past Sulu's head. There were two, possibly three people spooning on the far side of the nearest tactical display, one of them Andorian blue. A woman he recognised as a Lieutenant from Engineering was slumped over Chekov's console wearing nothing but a pair of boots and a pink bra and another woman he didn't recognise (understandable, all he could see was her butt and the back of her brown hair) was curled up on the deck near her feet.

He swallowed and licked his lips. He was in denial, but he'd already figured out who he'd been snuggled up against earlier. He turned his head. His heart sank.

'Oh god.' he muttered.

There was lean pale back marked with long green scratches to his right.

Spock.

Naked Spock.

Very Very _Very _naked Spock.

'ooohhhh goddddd…'

Jim screwed his eyes shut, pressed a hand to his forehead and tried to stop the splintered memories returning to him. He hadn't just had sex with Janice Rand, ooohhh noooo. James Tiberius Kirk never did things by halves! From what he could recall the bridge crew had participated in an orgy the likes of which had probably never been seen outside of an Orion spice den and he'd been an eager participant.

A sudden and visceral memory of kissing Spock, frenching him with the enthusiasm of a drunk fifteen year old, plastered itself all over Jim's brain. He recalled the rasp of Spock's stubble against his own, the strange and thrilling sharpness of his teeth and the intriguing heat of his tongue and then the way he'd effortless flipped him over, pinned him with inhuman strength and…

Kirk lay back down. The movement jarred his aching butt. He prayed that his hang over was terminal.

'oh fuckity fuck.' he muttered. 'I fucked Spock.'

'More like Spock fucked yoooou.' Sulu intoned in a low, pained, yet still sarcastic drawl. 'And it was quiiiitteee the show.'

Jim rolled his head to scowl at his helmsman, but Hikaru, although he was smirking, still had his eyes closed where his head rested against the deck. 'Well, you and Chekov put on such a show I felt I needed to contribute.' Jim hissed.

Sulu just shamelessly waggled his eyebrows. 'Glad you enjoyed it sir.'

'Will you two shut up?' Uhura snapped from somewhere past the mountain of overheated Vulcan to Jim's right. 'I have a headache.'

'And I have a torn arsehole.' Jim snapped back.

Sulu sniggered then moaned in pain.

Huh. He had not meant to say that out loud. Maybe he was still drunk? Wait. He hadn't been drunk. He frowned fiercely, 'It was that fucking purple cloud thing!' he proclaimed.

'Just figuring that out now Captain?' Sulu asked sarcastically.

'You are clearly not a morning person Lieutenant.' Jim replied.

'Ugh, eez eet morning?' Chekov mumbled blearily. 'I had ze strangest dream… You vere in eet Keptan…' he trailed off. 'Hikaru? Vhy is your…' the young Ensign trailed off.

Jim could actually hear him waking up, remembering, going through the same awful process he'd just experienced five minutes earlier.

'Eet vould appear I am naked.' he concluded unsteadily.

'We're all naked.' Sulu reassured him.

'Uhura's extra naked since Spock tore off her uniform.' Janice Rand mumbled from her position above Kirk's left kneecap, drooling a bit more on his skin in the process. He found himself far beyond being concerned about a bit of spit however.

'Mmm that's right.' Sulu agreed in a dreamy voice. 'With his teeth.' He made a comical growling noise.

Uhura sat up and glared at them all over Spock's back. She was wearing his blue Commander's uniform. 'Actually I'm the only person not currently lounging around airing my bits thank you all very much.' Her voice was too loud. Jim winced.

Janice made a non-committed grunting noise.

Sulu might have blown a raspberry. Since he was still face down against the deck it was hard to tell.

Uhura huffed.

'Oh god. Keep it downUhura.' Jim complained. 'You're as bad as Sulu. Coupla' harpies.'

She pouted and crossed her arms. Spock's uniform was threatening to slip off her right shoulder and although no 'bits' were being aired, an impressive collection of love bites were. Jim had another flashback. It also involved Spock, but unlike his earlier one, didn't make him want to immediately die of embarrassment. He smirked at her. 'Did Spock have to spank you to get you to put that on?' he asked and managed to leer at her despite his nausea making a return.

Janice snorted.

'Ahh, now that's an image I'll take to the grave.' Sulu said. 'Commander Spock bending Uhura over his knee.'

'She vanted to kiss ze Kaptan but ze Kommander did not like zis.' Chekov added.

'He's asleep now Nyota,' Jim added, he figured he'd earned the right to use her first name. 'I'll give you a kiss now if you like.' He wasn't really in the mood, he felt like shit, but it he couldn't ignore such a golden opportunity to tease her.

She huffed. 'I'd rather kiss a Horta.'

'Aw, come on Nyota, might be your last chance to live out your fantasy.'

'Captain, whilst your repeated propositioning of Nyota whilst under the influence of an alien substance is not something I will hold against you, if you continue with such behaviour I will be forced to retaliate in some manner.' Spock's voice was as calm and dignified as ever. As if he wasn't lying naked in-between his girlfriend and his Captain having just awoken from an orgy featuring both of them in fairly significant roles.

'Spank him Commander!' Janice raised her head to gleefully suggest.

Jim frowned at her but she had seemed unrepentant.

'There will be no more spanking.' Uhura muttered.

'You seemed to enjoy it last night Uhura.' Sulu quipped.

Uhura snorted. 'Says the man that asked "to go next" when Spock was done.'

'I vemember zat.' Chekov remarked vaguely. He sounded even worse than Jim felt.

With the crew now awakening, Jim decided it was time. Time to look for his pants. He laboriously sat up. Janice made a whining noise.

'I'm in too much pain for all this witty banter.' he grumbled. 'Has anyone seen my pants?'

'The last thing I saw you wearing was Rand.' Sulu remarked. Jim let out a snort of amusement.

Janice lifted her head to glare at Sulu. 'Hey! Considering you just spent the last few hours poking me in the butt with your erection, you could be a little more polite Lieutenant.'

'I'm in too much pain for politeness.' he replied dramatically.

Uhura stood and began scanning the bridge. Spock's uniform covered almost as much of her as her actual dress would have. Jim idly wondered if she was wearing underwear. He doubted it. After a moment she located a pair of trousers under a console and passed them to Spock. 'Thank you.' The Vulcan replied politely, as if this were an everyday occurance. As if their situation was not both bizarre and mortifying.

'Ugh, Uhura, do you see my pants anywhere.' Jim asked in a pained voice.

She shot him a glare but continued roaming around picking at discarded clothing. She gave Chekov a pair of trousers and Rand got a golden captain's shirt. Jim's golden captain's shirt. Figured. Apparently he and Sulu were on their own. Jim sighed and sat up. Janice had pulled his shirt on and was peering around the moaning and dazed looking crew.

Spock had put his boots back on and was inspecting a black undershirt, evidently to see if it was his. Apart from the fact that his hair was sticking up in odd angles and he had green scratches and lovebites (of varying shapes and sizes Jim noted. He had feeling he might have been responsible for some of them) down his back and across his torso, he looked entirely unperturbed by the disturbing turn of events of the last few hours.

Jim saw a pair of pants by the Captain's chair and laboriously crawled towards them, uncaring of his dignity. As luck would have it his trunks were still inside. He felt much better once he'd wiggled into underwear and trousers once more, but he still needed to lay back on the deck for a moment until everything stopped spinning quite so fast. Gallantly he didn't ask Rand for his uniform back and instead hunted around until he found what he was pretty sure was his undershirt draped over the top of the engineering console.

He pulled it on and sat down gingerly in his chair, conscious of his tender butt.

He grimaced.

He felt something… damp seeping through the seat of his pants and remembered how heavily the Captain's chair had featured in the night's activities. God knew how what, or whose … stuff… genetic material… was currently adorning it. Why didn't he think to wipe it down first? Ignoring his discomfort for the time being he buzzed medbay on the intercom. 'Bones, report.' He waited ten seconds. 'BONES. WAKE UP.'

'_Jim?'_ came the confused and gravelly response.

'Good morning sunshine. How's it looking down there?'

'…'

'You wearing pants Bones?'

'_Not… exactly.'_

'So I shouldn't turn on the vid fed?'

'_I'd prefer it if you didn't Jim.'_

'I can imagine.'

'_What happened? Some sort of airborne… intoxicant?'_

'Aliens.' Jim replied vaguely, too exhausted and nauseous to go into any sort of useful detail. 'I'm gonna need you to whip up some pain hypos in bulk. The whole crew will need one.'

'_Or ten. Goddammit my head feels like it's full of cement.'_

'Feelings mutual Bones. Send some up to the bridge asap.'

He flicked off the comm.

'Captain.' Uhura called quietly from where she was sitting at her station, her messy hair and Spock's shirt making her look for all the world like a girl in her pyjamas.

'Lieutenant.' he prompted her. God. His head.

'At 17:08 hours we received another message from the life-forms we detected in the anomaly. It translates to 'Thank you for your assistance Federation Carbon Lifeforms.' She raised an eyebrow.

Jim frowned. 'Our assistance?'

Spock tilted his head. 'It is logical to assume that since they induced our unusual behaviour, they somehow benefitted from it.' he sounded curious and not at all freaked out.

'How?' A few theories occurred to Jim straight away. Maybe they were aliens that fed off sex? Alien sex voyeurs? Or perhaps it was research? Alien sex spies?

'Insufficient data to speculate Captain.' Spock replied evenly.

'How is it you are so damn calm Spock!?' Jim demanded.

'I do not see what responding emotionally to the unexpected events of the past 9.7 hours could achieve Captain.'

'9.7 hours?' Jim asked weakly.

'That is the amount of time which has elapsed since I detected a distinct change to my brain functioning.' Spock replied calmly. 'It diminished over the course of 38 seconds at approximately 17:08 hours, indicating the life forms in the anomaly were indeed the cause.'

A disturbing thought occurred to Jim. 'You... remember those 9.7 hours?'

'I do not.'

Jim let out a relieved breath.

'I was rendered unconscious along with the rest of the crew shortly after the 17:08 hours. Whilst I recall the events prior to that, I cannot account for those which may have proceeded them.'

Jim groaned. Spock remembered. In perfect Vulcan detail no doubt. The blurred memories Jim had were bad enough, knowing that his Vulcan friend remembered every idiotic action that he'd made was a thousand times worse.

'You may rest assured Captain, that I will not be divulging my recollections.' Spock assured him. 'We were all under the effects of an exceedingly potent mind-altering substance.'

'Well good. I'm sure we'd all rather remain in the dark about the particulars of the evening.' Jim replied. God knew _he _wanted to. He suddenly remembered Spock's voice low and rough in his ear, his weirdly hot hands firmly gripping his hips and Rand kneeling in front of him with her mouth around his cock, an amazing mix of pleasure and pain roaring through his body as Spock –

_Oh god._

The turbolift opened and McCoy appeared in a fresh uniform with a tray of hypos and a wide smile on his face. He'd clearly been self-medicating.

'Oh thank god.' Uhura sighed in relief.

Bones gave her a smile and made a beeline to her first. He held out a hypo with a flourish. 'Lieutenant.'

She pulled her hair to the side and offered him her neck, sighing with relief after Bones administered the shot. 'Oh Leonard. You're a lifesaver.'

Jim got his next. The relief was near orgasmic. 'Ohh yeaaaah.' he moaned.

After he'd administered shots to everyone on the bridge Bones came to stand next to Jim. 'So what the heck happened Jim?' he asked.

Jim shrugged. 'Crazy sex aliens.'

Bones raised an eyebrow. 'That what you're gonna put in your report?'

'What's a good scientific way to describe the effect they had on the crew?' he asked.

The Doctor frowned in thought. 'Stimulation of the cortex, hippocampus and nucleus accumbens resulting marked increases in… sociability.'

'Whilst technically accurate that statement is quite misleading Doctor.' Spock remarked.

'Spock I'm not telling Starfleet we had an orgy on the bridge.' Jim told him bluntly.

'That is hardly what occurred Captain. Not only was our judgement severely impaired, if I understand the definition of the term 'orgy' it does not accurately reflect what occurred.'

'We all got naked and had sex with each other Mr Spock! That's an _orgy.'_ Jim replied.

'Whilst we were 'all naked' as you put it, for the most part there was little sexual interaction between crew members not already involved in some sort of personal association.'

Jim frowned. 'What?'

'You and Yeoman Rand had a long standing mutual attraction for one another, my own appreciation of Lieutenant Uhura is well known to you, Lieutenant Sulu and Ensign Chekov have a close friendship and affection for one another - '

Jim shushed him. 'There's one flaw in your little theory Spock. I mean, you're a friend, but I gotta say, I don't have a 'long standing attraction' to you any more than I do for say, Bones here.'

Spock looked slightly uncomfortable for a moment. Jim narrowed his eyes. Uhura coughed in a way that sounded suspiciously like she was covering laughter. 'What?' he demanded.

'It is to Lieutenant Uhura that you have a 'long standing attraction.'' Spock clarified.

Jim shot Uhura a look. 'Wait, you mean me and Uhura…?'

'Pfft. No.' she replied then bit her lip, clearly trying not to smile.

'What?!' Jim demanded.

Spock raised an eyebrow. 'I am uncertain if I should clarify Captain. We were under the effects of a powerful intoxicant of some sort and you have expressed a desire to maintain ignorance as to the particulars.'

Sulu suddenly laughed. 'Oh my god! I remember!'

Jim spun to look at him. What the fuck happened?! And why was it so funny? 'What goddammit?'

Bones was frowning. 'I feel like I'm missing something.' he remarked to the bridge at large.

'Spock bent the Captain over his chair so to speak Doctor.' Janice informed him.

Bones shot Jim a wide eyed look. 'Jim!'

'Hey! I was under the effect of a powerful intoxicant! My cortex and my nuclear accum…bus… were affected!' he replied.

'If you won't share Uhura, she'll have to -' Sulu stopped mid-sentence, gasping for breath as he laughed. 'She'll have to –' he broke off again and bent double choking on more laughter.

Jim glared at him.

Sulu collected himself and took a deep breath. 'Captain you said, _'If you won't share Uhura, she'll have to share you Spock!''_


End file.
